On the walk home yesterday I encountered a matte black ‘72 Chevy Impala that seemed to be - at first glance - sunk into a ‘72-Impala-shaped pothole about two feet deep. As I approached it (the roof of the car just below hip-height) I realized it was in fact the lowest of all low-riders I’d ever seen in my life. I almost broke out into giggles. The undercarriage was about a millimetre from the asphalt, and you probably couldn’t have fit a dime under the front bumper.
Glancing inside as I passed, I admired the wine-coloured velour interior, the phone-book sized hydraulics control panel, and the driver - a thin white guy dressed in a white sport jacket and silly newsboys cap, you know, like the one you sometimes see the REM guy wearing - whatsisname - Michael Stipe or whatever. He turned to glare at me as I walked by, showing off a pair of rhinestone shades and a dopey little mustache. It was then that I developed the following theory:
6/06/06 did indeed produce the Antichrist, he came not on a flame-snorting ethereal steed but an American car, and then he moved to Calgary. (Although, he should have moved to a city that doesn’t have any speedbumps or potholes, given the ridiculousness of his ride.) I think we now have to start the seven-year countdown to the Rapture, or whatever it is that happens next. And for anyone who questions my theory I posit the following: can you picture the spawn of the Devil driving anything else except the car I described above?
Wow. I can’t wait to move back to the Stalbert.
PS. Yes, I’m well aware that the picture is of a ‘67 Impala. But it was so Satanic I couldn’t resist.
OH MY GOD.
I saw the car again yesterday sans driver and took a better look at the interior.
There was an orange-and-green flowered men’s scarf on the back seat, and some sort of gold-coloured fringy thing was tacked to the right back window - a glorified curtain, I think.
And there was a sticker or decal on the bumper that said in very small letters ‘Risen From the Dead.’
IT IS DEFINITELY SATAN’S RIDE.