Soda Craze

Nobody’s posted anything in sixteen days. In retaliation, I present you with:

THE OFFICIAL LIST OF CARTOON CHARACTERS I WOULD DEFINITELY MARRY

1. Samurai Jack

Pros: Noble, generous, soft-spoken, likes to travel, and has a lofty life’s ambition: the defeat of Aku, shape-shifting master of darkness, who unleashed an unspeakable evil, etc etc. (Go rent the series.) Plus, I happen to find him hot. And, as we’ve seen in several episodes, he’s flexible.

Cons: Not actually all that interested in women. Fifty-two episodes and not even a kiss.

2. Phil Ken Sebben

Pros: Rich, handsome, ambitious, debonair, and partner at a law firm. Can you beat that? Not even with a stick. Also, he invariably dresses in a tux - I love men in suits. You get to unwrap them like presents. (As opposed to sweaty athletes or beach bums, where you get to unwrap practically nothing. It’s the difference between a big mysterious box on Christmas morning and getting a gift card in a clear plastic envelope.)

Cons: Slightly unusual vision; has committed at least a dozen murders; ruins lives on daily basis and says ‘Ha-haaaa!’ as he’s doing it.

3. Spike Spiegel

Pros: Fun-loving, no beer gut, kung-fu expert, has own spaceship, handy with a gun - as well as nunchuks, knives, bombs, and garrotes. Did I mention that this one is a bounty hunter? Yeah, and he cooks too - and nothing fazes him. Oh, and he’s a sharp dresser, I reckon. As anime characters go. And he isn’t even sucked-in by the saccharine cuteness of the ship dog, Ein - a Welsh Corgi.
Cons: Spends an awful lot of time with bounty-hunting partner Jet; has also committed several murders; unreliably employed.

4. Brock Sampson

Pros: Hung like a cricket bat, drives fast car.

Cons: Impatient, violent, kills at least three people every episode with his bare hands (don’t worry, he’s got a license to kill), may possibly have several venereal diseases, has skinny stick legs.

Who would you guys say ‘I do’ to in the cartoon world?