Let me talk a little about the snow removal process in Montréal. Not to bore you, of course, but rather because I’d like to share what has to be the most efficient and annoying process I’ve witnessed in quite some time.
It starts, of course, after a large snowfall. (Locals believe this is caused whenever Bonhomme Carnaval journeys away from Québec city only to be hit by numerous oncoming vehicles, sending his carcass flying over Montréal where it breaks into millions of unique snowflakes. He’s later re-assembled and shipped back to Québec, I assume.)
Now, in removing the scattered carcass of Bonhomme, Montréal has adopted a process unlike anything I’ve ever seen. City workers erect signs notifying people to not park on the streets during certain hours on certain days. After everyone has ignored or forgotten the signs, special annoyance trucks arrive to annoy everyone. (This isn’t hyperbole. The trucks have one purpose: To annoy the hell out of everyone until they move their bloody vehicles. To give you a good picture of what this sounds like, think of what every car alarm in the city must sound like… sped up, then amplified.)
These alarm trucks will come into your neighbourhood without respect to the time of day or the number of people living along the block. My apartment complex, for example, has over 600 units, and we’re one of maybe 8 along our downtown block. Since this is downtown, the snow removal happens at the earliest possible time allowed: 7:00 AM.
Now, after everyone has been woken up by shrill sirens, the tow trucks come and haul all the remaining cars away. Snow pushers then move all the snow to the middle of the road instead of the sides. Special brushes clear the sidewalks.
Once all the snow is in the middle of the road, the biggest mother of a snowblower you’ve ever freakin’ laid eyes on drives alongside an even larger dumptruck and spews all of Bonhomme’s remnants inside. The snow is then trucked off to many of the city’s fine snowdumps, where playful children who disobey warning signs get severe chemical burns, and where the meltwater (which comes early thanks to no shortage of salt) is collected, decontaminated, and dumped into the river.
So, there you go. Montréal’s snow removal process. Even with the unrelenting aural torment trucks, it sure beats Calgary’s old system: wait for a mythical “chinook” to melt everything and use the snow budget to chisel new potholes in liberal-leaning (i.e. not hardline Reform) neighborhoods.
Gosh, trust the French to make something really annoying out of something really basic. Also, I heard Montreal’s water pipes are made out of lead and totally poisoning everybody in the city and causing buckets of brain damage. Move back to Calgary! It’ll be awesome in May, because I’ll be in it, and that’s all a city really needs.
I insist you risk irreparable brain damage and come visit. We’re already taking bookings, and with only one air mattress, the popular months are disappearing quickly!
Nothing would give me greater joy than to accumulate a heavy metal in my cerebrum in Montreal on your air mattress, mon frere, but the tragic fact is that I am currently penniless and won’t be getting any vacation time during my first year with IOL.
Sadness!
So your choices are:
a) To stay in the city of crazy French people long enough for me to accumulate air fare and days off, or
b) Just move back to Calgary already and hide behind the couch during Stampede (the ghastliest time of the year). There: problem solved!