Soda Craze

So, once upon a while back, I had a great plan.

But then, I spent my Friday night doing what I usually do (drinking Ovaltine and watching nature documentaries) and I have, um, changed my  mind.  Embarrassingly enough.

OK, so, er…

1. We all know these are the biggest lizards in the world, but for some reason I thought they were smaller.  In this documentary they trap an old, malnourished male and he’s ten feet long and a hundred and fifty pounds.  I didn’t know my guard lizard would be bigger than me.  I mean, these are really big, heavy mothers.  The biggest one ever captured was almost 400 pounds.  I’m not at all sure I approve.

2. I had better be damned sure Kool Moe Dee is a male.  Seriously.  Did you know that these bastards are parthenogenetic and they can produce litters of male eggs without fertilization?  Me neither.  I could quite potentially come home from a hard day of ruling Premonia and be killed by a herd (flock? pride? murder?) of freakin’ Komodo dragons that weren’t there when I left in the morning.  Fuck.

3. Secondly, how am I supposed to get close enough to tell if he’s a male or not?  It’s a very intimate process, sexing a Komodo dragon.

4. I thought the whole man-eater thing was just a cruel wilderness urban myth,  you know, like how people say great white sharks kill so many people every year when it turns out it’s tiger sharks and bull sharks that make up most of the numbers?  Um, no.  They are known man-eaters.  They eat people like they’re popcorn.  They especially enjoy graverobbing.  On Komodo Island proper, people with enough money bury their relatives under concrete slabs because even piling rocks on a newly-dug grave isn’t enough to keep out a hungry dragon.  What the hell, people?!

5. They have weak jaws!  Yay!  But their jaws are full of fifty kinds of virulent bacteria and if you get nipped, it’s like literally a matter of hours before you die of septicemia.  Your only hope is to get to a hospital immediately, soak in a bath of bleach, and eat six pounds of antibiotics.  If not, it’s a long gruesome death.

6. Uh, the shock collar?  No.  Their skin is super-thick and full of silica particles.  I might as well try to zap the pyrex casserole dish Dave left at my place.  (Dave?  I still have your casserole dish.  Bring $50,000 in unmarked bills to Railway Park if you ever want to see it again.  Come alone.)  How will I train Kool Moe Dee without the disciplinary powers of electricity?

So all in all, I have reconsidered my plan to establish and defend the Grand Duchy of Premonia.  Maybe I should give up my plans of world domination and concentrate on my hobbies and career.

…Or maybe I should just pick another guard animal.