I don’t have cable, so when I watch late-night TV I get a lot of weird-haired evangelists and obscure movies. Another thing I get is infomercials, lots of ‘em, to the point where I start to wonder – around three in the morning – how I have lived this long in this GHASTLY WORLD, where my life is FILLED WITH INCONVENIENCES like DRIED-OUT TURKEY and UNACCEPTABLY OVERWATERED PLANTS.
Seriously, a few of us were discussing this a few weeks ago, and the common denominator for all infomercials appears to be pointing out how unbearably difficult and Dickensian our lives are without their miracle product. And I know, I know: they’re just trying to sell their product. But take this thing, for instance (LGT video):
Have you ever in your life shot toothpaste all over the bathroom, let alone every morning? I mean, I’m speechless. What on earth?
It’s the same with all the other infomercials. People slosh water willy-nilly on their plant stands, they spend fifteen hours taping off a room before they paint it, they fill their entire house with produce that rots in minutes. And then the infomercial guys swoop down and are all, “You don’t have to SUFFER ANY LONGER!”
Readers, got any favourite infomercials? Favourite staged suffering in an infomercial? Favourite silly product name?
Unfortunately I can’t find any clips of my favourite “life sure is hell” informercial moment, but I remember that it was for a product called Soda Stream.
It basically carbonates water for you, so you can make your own soda at home (after buying their cartridges of air and syrup, of course).
Anyway, soft drinks aren’t even close to a necessity to begin with, so rather than trying to depict life without soda, they try to depict the drudgery of life with soda—only without their miracle product. It’s an entire montage. It starts off with something somewhat relatable: Opening a soda can only to have it fizz all over the place, but then it gets from suspect to downright silly. They show someone struggling with an armful of heavy two-litre bottles; someone trying to dispose of an aluminum can by stepping on it horizontally, only to have it ‘backfire’ because they just depressed the middle of the can and made the sides grip their shoe and stick; and, of course, my all-time favourite moment, a child opens the refrigerator door only to have dozens of cans and bottles topple out.
The coup de grâce? After this ridiculous montage is complete, the ditzy co-host announces “Wow! I know all of those things have happened to me!” I kid you not.
Soda Stream, kids. Your life is an intolerable swamp filled with steamy, rancid misfortune without it.
Oh man! I actually remember the Soda Stream! (Though I didn’t remember the name.) “Mix your OWN flavours! It’s easy and fun!” As if I could do a better job devising a drink flavour than some labcoated spook working for Pepsico. The commercial made me believe!
I would love it if people started producing infomercials for things we already have. Can you imagine? A man sawing his thumb off as he struggles in vain with a loaf of ridiculously-soft bread, and then ta-daaaa: pre-sliced bread! “Call now and we’ll send you TWO LOAVES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! Just pay extra shipping!”
I’m watching an infomercial right now with the insane Sham-Wow guy. He’s trying to sell me a thing called a ‘Slapchop.’ And a thing called a ‘Graty.’
“Looka this thing. Looka this thing. It grates. Think of linguine, fettucine, martini, bikini. Looka this.”
What??